Have you ever been so mad with God that you refused to accept any guidance or warning that He gave you? I came to this point in my life where my fire for God was gone. I felt that I had suffered enough. No matter how much good I did I felt I still ended up suffering and I was done.
Where It Started
My relationship with my mom was always rocky while growing up. It was as if anything that I did was never good enough. If she asked you to do something and it was not completed up to her standards you never knew what the consequences were going to be. She would destroy it and make you start over or it could become physical.
One day while getting ready for work she demanded I clean out my nightstand. My friend was already on her way to give me a ride so I knew I wouldn’t have enough time to get it done. Once I told her I had to work the fight started. She said she did not care about that job and I needed to clean out the nightstand now. When my friend arrived things with from bad to worse.
One thing about my mom she did not have a problem speaking her mind and if she had an audience, she always took things to a whole new level. With almost no time to spare before I needed to leave for work, we had the biggest fight ever.
Ring The Alarm
When she realized that I was getting ready for work instead of cleaning nightstand she lost it. Before I had time to run, her hands were around my neck as she pushed me back onto my bed. I had never experienced her this mad, this was a whole new level of anger for her. Fear consumed me. I knew I had to do something to get her off of me.
Everything that I tried failed, the only thing that worked was hitting her. Punching her as hard as I could worked. I was disappointed hitting my mom is something I never wanted to do. I thought it was so disrespectful, but I was left no choice.
She kicked me out for a few weeks after that, but I was happy to have a break. So, when I say we had troubles in our relationship, it is an understatement. When God transformed the total dynamics of our relationship and I finally had the mom I prayed for over the years, only to lose her a year later. I was mad.
Darkness Without Light
When my mom died, it was a pain that ripped through my soul. As I focused on my loss, I grew angrier with God. I did not want to have anything to do with Him. My depression was so deep it was as though I was operating from outside of my body. I was numb to everything. The right way didn’t work, so I decided it was time for me to start turning up every chance I got.
I ignored all insights I received. I did not avoid the danger when my spirit told me to go the other way. It was my life and I was going to do it my way. In between working and partying I started nursing school. I may have been angry, but I still knew I had to take care of myself.
Along with this destructive behavior there were also tough consequences, that left me more broken than before. After getting through whatever situation I had placed myself in just to turn around and get into something else. I just did not care. Here I was 21 years old, but I felt like an orphan.
Blind with anger I could not see anything positive in my life. I could not see that no matter what self-destructive situation I placed myself in God protected me. I had survived physical attacks and came out without a scratch. In every negative situation I placed myself God kept me covered whether I wanted Him to or not.
The Shift
I could see all the knowledge that my mom had given me that year before her death. She prepared me to survive life without her, I just needed to pick up the tools. For as long as I can remember she always spoke of her untimely death. She gave me little pieces of advice that allowed me to put my life back together and move forward.
This was the shift that I needed to snap out of my trance. I felt like I was finally walking out of this deep depression. I knew that I was strong enough to accomplish anything. Something that she said will always stick with because I never thought I would hear. She said, she was proud of me and that I needed to help my brother because I was strong.
Light Bulb Moment
I did not understand until later that she was speaking from a spiritual level and not a physical or financial one. Over the years her worship, praise, and love for God had somehow rubbed off on me. Proverbs 22:6 echoed in my head. Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. No matter how hard I fought against the call of God, He somehow led me back home.
Even though there were many hellish moments in my childhood there were also beautiful moments. Before her death I gained an understanding to why she treated me the way she did. She simply did not know better. She was raised that way.
I learned one powerful lesson from my mother. Just because your parents did it or said it does not make it right. In this life you must learn how to shake off the destructive and embrace the love that is freely available to you.
Finding My Way Home
Once I became a mother, I realized she was still trying to figure life out while guiding us. Many times I feel so lost as I guide my boys down the right path. I have learned to fall deeper into the arms of God during these times because He always provides me with the strategy that we need.
Regardless of how deep the pain of losing a loved one may be there is always a brighter side. I’m forever grateful that unforeseen circumstances allowed me to return home early from basic training. This early return afforded us the time to heal a relationship and to uncover the love that was always there.
When I focused on all the moments I would have missed with her if I had completed basic training and received my next assignment; I know no body but God, lined up things to unfold exactly as they did. I treasure every memory and everything that I learned from my mother in that final year. Most importantly I am thankful that God received me back with His arms wide open when I returned home. My journey continues…
