Psalm 34:17-20
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
Have you ever felt like your life had no purpose? Like you did not know why you were born. Growing up with a single parent, who was struggling to do their best, while she was trying to figure out her next move left a sense of hopelessness. Trying to find enough time to manage four people often left someone neglected. Being the only girl, I felt it was always me. It was not until adulthood that I found out my brothers often felt the same way.
How It Started
During one of my attempts to get more attention I grabbed a handful of her pills as she was putting her medications away. When I knew I had her attention I put them in my mouth. I had no desire to swallow them I just wanted her attention. At the time I had no idea that they were only diuretics. The only thing I ended up with were severe leg cramps because all she said was, “girl stop playing with my medicine, as I spit them out due to the bitter taste. It was not until many years later when I learned the only person’s actions I could control were my own.
Searching For Peace
Growing up in a toxic environment left me with a defense mechanism that became a negative pattern in my life. At 17 I could not stand one more minute living under my mother’s roof, so I left. The next time I would leave a toxic situation I was not leaving empty handed. This time after I tried everything I could I was left with a son. I would repeat the same pattern six years later. I became an expert of holding my true feelings in and when it became too much for me to handle, I left with no looking back. It became a negative pattern because I would have to face it a few more times before I finally found my voice to end the foolishness before I became broken.
I still needed to learn my lesson about toxic relationships because once I cut off toxic men in my life, I started attracting toxic friendships. This was harder to walk away from because these were the people that usually helped me pick up the pieces. It was not until I looked deeper that I noticed they were always there to help me get into the trouble I just escaped. As I started to make positive changes in my life, they became the people that criticized me the most. Placing some distance between us allowed things to finally shift for the better.
The Shift
It was not until I cried out to God while in the deepest valley of my life, did I gain full understanding. God had perfectly orchestrated every moment of my life and I was exactly where He wanted me to be. In His presence. When I begin to hear from the Holy Spirit, I thought I was going crazy. All the explanations I previously received did not measure up to the experience. Whenever I was faced with a difficult situation the Holy Spirit would speak. Then I started asking all sorts of questions and just talking to the Holy Spirit as if we were old friends.
In this solitude I started to enjoy my peace. I knew I was valuable because not only did Jesus die for me, but He also gave me the gift of the Holy Spirit. After finding my peace I started to get more selective with my presence. It took a horrible lunch experience to teach me the power of no without explanation.
Protecting My Purpose
My focus is no longer surrounded with trying to find the right mate. I understand that the wrong person will interrupt my flow and my destiny is too important to risk it. Plus managing all that God has called me to do while maintaining a steady flow has become my top priority. I’m still discovering all that God has planned for my life and trying to find him adds too much stress. I know because I have stressed myself out unnecessarily trying to find him. My faith tells me that God will present me to him at the right time and we will advance His kingdom together.
What toxic situations are you tolerating in your life? It is your life, it is your journey, and not everyone will make it to the finish line with you. Learning everyday… My journey continues…
