Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Frequently we are placed in situations that are designed to heal us, but we allow fear to keep us from moving forward. Sometimes the pain from disappointment is supposed to do more than just hurt, it is supposed to teach you a lesson.
My Plans
When I decided I was ready to start dating I created a set of rules to follow. One of those rules was to not ask a man for anything, no matter the circumstances. Although it would seem like a benefit in the moment, it usually turned out bad, or kept me from seeing clearly. I preferred to take out a high interest payday loan before asking them for money. I vowed was not going to do it anymore. But tell God your plans and watch him laugh; so, let me explain what happened that changed my outlook.
Cycles
Things were going well in my relationship, but I still struggled in other areas of my life, and my financial struggle was real. I worked two jobs for as long as I could remember but no matter what I remained short of $500. It usually was not a problem because I managed to time my checks exactly right, and my overdraft protection had temporarily answered many prayers. That was until one miscalculation too many led the daycare to accepting only cash or debit card payments. I had managed to fall one week behind which quickly led to two. Normally I could have caught up on these payments, but car repairs pushed me deeper into the hole.
Everyday I’m Hustlin’
I picked up extra hours, so my work weeks went from 48 to 60 hours. I was able to catch up on my bills and past due tuition fees. Then just like clockwork another major blow to my finances as I started to pull ahead. My old enemy, struggle returned. This time I noticed the cycle because it was always the same amount, so I realized something needed to change. I went into prayer and decided to leave my financial struggles on the alter. I prayed and fasted for three days because I needed a miracle. The daycare had given me a notice to withdraw unless the balance was paid in full by the following Monday.
Trust Me, -God
One morning after praying, God guided me to do the thing I had vowed to never do again. Which was ask a man other than my husband for something. I hesitated because I feared disappointment and thought he would let me down. I worked up the nerve to ask him one night as our conversation was coming to an end. To my surprise he said yes without any hesitation. I was overwhelmed with joy, I felt all my problems were solved, plus I would pay him back once I got paid on Friday.
The Let-Down
As the deadline approached a major problem developed. The money never surfaced to cover the payment. I struggled with asking him about it because I did not want to harass him, but I needed the money. So, I asked again, this time things were different. He responded with an attitude and an excuse. He said he needed to get a new debit card and he had not found the time to call the daycare to give them payment over the phone. The disappointment left me crushed.
There was no time to waste focusing on my feelings, I needed to find a way to cover the tuition without him. I thought of everyone I could ask but I couldn’t bring myself to ask any of them. Honestly, I did not want them to know I was struggling again. I went back into my prayer closet on this matter and waited. Monday morning my miracle happened. The Holy Spirit had me reach out to a friend and she was able to cover the balance that morning.
Did I Get It Wrong?
On Friday when I repaid the loan, I became curious why I was led to ask him only to have her pay it. In my eyes it had only damaged our relationship. The reply I received changed everything for me and provided me with an insight that healed some previous damage. I was told that if he would had kept his word and covered the balance and once I repaid him it would have provided healing for both of us.
See we both suffered with trust issues. His were rooted in being hurt by people in his past that he had helped before and they never repaid him. My trust issues were rooted in unfulfilled commitments stemming back to childhood.
The Holy Spirit revealed that if he would had followed through trust would have been established on a deeper level for us. I was given another insight that one person’s disobedience does not cancel out your blessing, He will use someone else to fulfill it. Remember there is no confusion in God, if He placed it on my heart to ask, He also placed it on his heart to give. When he failed, God used someone else to meet my needs.
The Promise
I understood myself on a deeper level and a promise was also revealed to me. The promise was, my husband would cause me no sorrow, the only pain I would feel would come from me missing him. In that moment I did not care that he did not keep his word because I was happy that the event revealed a different side of him.
I decided to stop ignoring the red flags and I tuned in deeper to the things that he said and the lack of actions that followed. As I look back, I realize he talked a good game but never produced any fruit. I had to learn to recognize the qualities of the true man of God. When we met, we were on the same page then things changed.
A New Me, A Whole Me
Since then I have learned that you attract what you are, not what you desire. We may have been similar spiritually when we first met but I kept seeking His face. I decided I needed to focus on becoming the best version of myself so I could attract the best mate for my life.
A heated discussion revealed a side of him that I was sad to see. I spent a lot of time explaining myself because he always took things negatively. This time my explanation was not good enough and he was going off. I encouraged him to stop before he said something he would regret because I could see where things were going. Too bad his tongue was moving faster than his mind could think.
No Going Back
During his rant he said all women were the same and nothing would change how he felt. The cherry he added was that time would reveal I was the same as all the others. Instantly I knew nothing that I could do would change his view and more importantly I did not feel it was my job to change it. God had given me the responsibility to raise my sons into two loving men of God and I needed to save my energy for that assignment. Many prayers were prayed for God to change the position of his heart and I let it go.
Walking In My Purpose
I am focused on my purpose and the things that God gives me to do. The peace that is over my life is unexplainable and I will not allow anything, or anyone to step in and disrupt my flow. Distractions will not be tolerated. What are you tolerating that is preventing you from receiving the blessings of God? It’s time to let them go, play time is over. My journey continues…
I wanted to share a quick testimony. As I finished writing this, I look at my current situation and I must give all glory to God. Abundance has entered my life. I now work fewer hours then I have in years but somehow all our needs are met, financial goals are met, I have more time with my boys. The blessings are real, I encourage you to receive them. Obedience is key.
Peace, Love, and Blessings!!
V
