In 2018 I decided that I had healed enough from my past relationships to seek my forever love. I did the work to identify the errors of my ways and worked on changing them. Even though I would love to blame my exes 100% for the relationships failing, I knew that was not the truth. One thing I was able to identify was that I did not enforce my boundaries out of fear of loosing them, not realizing that not living in my truth would cause me to lose them anyway. So, with my boundaries in place and God within me I signed up for Match.com and started searching. My plan was to read their profile, pray for discernment, and wait. If I felt led, I would send them a message.
The Wait
Things started off slowly, which was fine by me since I was in graduate school. The work load did not leave me a lot of time to dedicate to this search. I prayed for God to send me someone that would adhere to my boundaries and who fit my current season. Just like magic right before my membership expired, he messaged me. The person that I thought would end my singleness forever. I never realized that purpose has a way of changing things. It makes me laugh because I can hear my mom saying, “tell God your plans and watch Him laugh”.
During this time, I was struggling with deciding if I should withdraw from pursuing a family nurse practitioner degree. The passion I once held towards medicine was no longer there. A misdiagnosis and a near death experience somehow shows you who God is, and it changed everything within me. It has been my way for years and I wanted to do what it was that He called me to do. Since the enemy kept trying to take me out, I knew it was major.
Too Good To Be True
As we got to know one another we discovered that we had such a strong spiritual connection. We would know things about each other before asking. He was ok with every boundary that I set for myself. It was amazing, I knew in my heart he was the one. I even prepared for him by making room for him in my life and in my closet. I felt I had finally met my prince. Around the 7th month mark things started to change. The bible verses he often sent to me disappeared completely. He did not want to come over on a Saturday if I had plans to attend church on Sunday. He had even stopped attending church on a regular basis, he spent most of his time watching battle rap.
I Don’t Want to Let Go
The more time I spent with him I could hear the Holy Spirit saying “counterfeit”, but just like in previous relationships I tried to ignore the warnings. I remember saying no, Holy Spirit, you cannot be talking about him you must mean my ex. As time went on the warnings grew louder and louder, to the point they seemed visible.
He worked out of town so 75% of our relationship was over the phone, remember I prayed for someone that fit my schedule and he fit it perfectly. Whenever we were on the phone, I would sense an arrow pointing down and hear the Holy Spirit say he is going to bring you down. Fear of not being able to find someone better than him led me to pray to God to give me the strength to love him back to wholeness. The Lord showed me how we were unequally yoked but I still did not want to give up. He gave me a word that the only pain my husband would bring to me, would be from me missing him and this was not for me, but I pressed forward anyway.
One Last Shot
In hopes to save the relationship, I asked him if he would complete a three day fast with me focusing on strengthening our relationship with God. He agreed, but he was more concerned with me letting him know if I broke the fast than he was in completing it. I had no plans to break the fast because in my heart I knew that this was it and if things did not change, I would have to move on. You can pray for God to reveal to you the things you need to see so you can be sure you are making the right decision.
During the fast God saw it as the perfect time to allow me to have a glance of who He created me to be. Who He created me to be was bigger than I could ever imagine and I knew that I must withdraw from grad school, because I wouldn’t have time to do both. Knowing your purpose has a way of changing everything including your preference in your future spouse.
I Must Move On
For the first time I could clearly see how much I had to lose if I remained with him, but I needed to find a way out. I could see how his actions were leading me slowly away from God, so slowly I did not even notice.His refusal to come over if I had plans to attend church, interrupting the sermons as I watched from home, and even though I opened the door to sexual sin with him, it had become his main focus, and I wasn’t trying to keep living like that without being his wife.
I remember practicing the words I would say to him to end the relationship. After practicing what I would say, one evening when he called, I just blurted out “I need to end things with you because if I stay with you I have too much to lose.” He reminded me that I said I would always be there for him. I told him I would, but I could no longer be with him on this level because it would negatively affect all those connected to me.
The weight was finally lifted from my spirit. I remember feeling bad that I did not feel upset about the demise of our relationship. It is amazing when God is involved, it is like you are gracefully broken and it does not leave a scar, it just produces healing.
Of course, right after I ended things with him the enemy begin to attack me, trying to convince me that I made the wrong decision. Thankfully, the Lord always shows you that your choice was correct and there is no reason to be moved from it.
Is There Hope?
Six months after ending the relationship he reached out to me wanting to meet up. I am not going to lie and say I was not excited. I was hoping that he changed his ways and we could be together. It was music to my ears when he said he wanted us to try again and wanted me to let him know what I thought about it that night. As he was talking, I heard the Holy Spirit say, “wait until tomorrow.”
We made plans to meet up for lunch the next day, but when I called him everything became crystal clear. When I asked him if he was ready to meet up, he responded, “if I can ever get out of this bed.” Immediately I knew that I had made the right decision and waiting that extra day showed me that he had not changed, and I needed to move on.
I knew in my spirit that it was finally over, and I would not hear from him anymore. And to this day I have not, now I have the peace to wait on the suitable mate that God has for me because I realize how much I could lose if I connect to the wrong person.
Purpose profoundly changes everything, and it must be protected at all cost while you are fulfilling it. What are you connected to that is blocking you from reaching your purpose? Have you made any efforts to escape what is holding you back? Give it to God, he can manage it easily. Remember God is not the only one that can send a blessing, do not get it twisted. My journey continues.
