“OVERCOMING ANGER AND RESENTMENT”
Being a single mother is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and I honestly never imagined myself taking parts in these activities alone. I don’t think there are many people that plan this life, but they end up here anyway. Whatever the reason that has led to you being a single mother know that it is not a mistake. I remember giving myself several pity parties because of all the struggles I faced as a single mother. It took me some time to recognize that these pity parties did nothing but waste my time because I still had things to do.
In 2016 a misdiagnosis left me with a brain injury, suffering from short-term memory loss, and struggling to put my life back together. After staying with a friend for a month once leaving the hospital I found myself at home with two boys, but I couldn’t remember how to take care of them. I stood in the kitchen and cried because I couldn’t remember something that I had done a million times. Even though I had survived my heart stopping and a brain injury I felt defeated. I didn’t know if my memory would improve and the doctors were not helpful. I knew I had to work hard to regain my abilities and I couldn’t give up because my sons needed me. My goal was to be better than I was before. I had to come up with a plan to manage motherhood and the work that comes along with it. I started by recreating our home routine and everything had to be written down. I created a list of chores the boys were responsible for completing and I read it to them daily. I bought a planner to keep up with all our schedules and hired a nanny to help when I had to work early mornings or late evenings.
At times things were overwhelming and I got angry and I felt this wasn’t fair. As I struggled to regain control over my health, I developed anger and resentment towards my exes because they were off living their lives without having any of the daily responsibilities of being a parent. My resentment and anger started to affect the way I handled my boys. The resentment and anger I had towards their fathers spilled over to them and I didn’t like it, but it was like I couldn’t change it either.
I worked hard to provide a wonderful life for my boys but my patience with them was almost nonexistent, until I had an epiphany that changed everything. How would my boys ever become comfortable with talking to me about anything if I didn’t have the patience to listen to them. I realized I had experienced this same thing with my mother, and I was behaving the same way. I recalled how I felt whenever my mom would turn me away when I wanted to speak to her about something. As a child I remembered saying that I would never be like that with my children but here I was. It also took me back to a moment with my son’s older sister. One morning after getting off work while picking him up from her mom’s house, she asked how I remained so patient with him when she knew I was tired, but I was still so gentle with him. I remember not being able to answer her other than that is what I am supposed to do, I am Mommy. What happened to this person and what needed to happen to get her back?
That day I decided to make a change. Even though I set boundaries I developed an open-door policy with my boys. I set boundaries so they would understand the times that I would be busy so they wouldn’t disturb me, and I wouldn’t have to worry about turning them away. I give them the opportunity to share anything they like before I start my quiet time to decompress from the day. This was just the start because I wanted to find out what changed and how I could fix it. Even though I was not the typical bitter ex-girlfriend causing tons of problems for my exes, I had become bitter and stopped living my life to the fullest. I was focused on all the things I felt I had to do for my kids, and constantly compared it to all the things their fathers didn’t help with instead of the help I received. Good thing God always finds a way to speak to you when you need to hear it. While watching a sermon online the pastor said something that resonated with my soul. He said we should stop saying all the things we had to do instead we should start saying all the things we get to do. Instantly I started viewing all my motherly duties as things I was blessed to do. Then I realized the real blessing and felt a little sad. One day my boys would no longer need me to do all the things I currently do for them, and I felt I better enjoy it while it lasted. Sometimes thinking of the moments that we miss allows us to appreciate the moments we have that much more.
As a single mother I was so focused on being strong that I forgotten how to be gentle. I knew that I needed to let go of the resentment and anger I held towards my exes because it would forever affect my sons’ future. It would affect how I treated them then eventually how they treat others. Plus holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I had to take responsibility for my actions that led to this situation, learn from them, and let them go. It was a difficult process to break the relationships down but somehow, I knew I had to go through this process to heal.
I reviewed the good, the bad, and the ugly events that took place, my parts in them, and how I could avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Most importantly I wanted to prevent my sons from making the same mistakes. My point of view was very limited, like most I could only see it from my side. I had to learn how to view each situation from three different views: my view, their view, and an outside view. By doing this I was able to see things more clearly and I learned where I could have done things differently, what worked, and what not to do again. I felt such a weight lifted from me as I processed different events in my life, but I knew I still had to dig deeper. I realized there were many times I failed to listen to intuition, I didn’t stick to my boundaries that I had set for myself, and I settled when I got tired of waiting on God. I gained insight on why things took place and the purpose behind it. I was able to forgive them for the hurt they caused me, and I forgave myself for the hurt I caused them. Remember it is not necessary to receive forgiveness from the other person in order to receive forgiveness over the situation.
In that moment when I learned to let go of that pain, I feel I was finally able to open my heart again. I was able to see the amazing responsibility that God had entrusted me with in being a mother and I refuse to fail.
I had to realign myself with what God has said about me. I practiced responding to my boys gently until it became natural again. I remember chanting to myself be gentle and Philippians 4:5 became a verse that I stood on. It says “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” I knew that I was chosen by God and now I was back in proper position. As time went on my boys begin to talk more and more, telling me all sorts of things, some of which they could have kept to themselves, but I listened anyway. I have learned so much about the love God has for us by seeing things through their eyes.
As I continued to grow in the word, I found myself letting go of anger a lot quicker than I had previously did when our parental disagreements occurred. Real growth came when I learned how to pray for them whenever they made me angry. My oldest son’s father is easy to pray for because he is involved in our son’s life, but with my youngest son, his father is a different story. His father has only seen him once and does not support him in anyway. The only promise that he has ever kept was not helping with our son if I didn’t stay with him. So, you can understand why it was difficult to pray for him in the beginning. You will always know when God wants you to do something because it will constantly pop up in your face.
During this time, it seemed as though every pastor I followed was speaking on praying for your enemies. I guess God knew I was going to need a lot of coaching on this one. Praying for them was slow to happen in the beginning. First, I would make a call, talk about them, and then pray. That didn’t work out too well but like everything else practice makes perfect. As I continued to pray for them instead of picking up the phone and talking about them, I found my anger left me much faster and I felt amazing. Regardless of the outcome I will continue to pray for them plus it’s great for my complexion. My brain injury allowed me to basically step outside of myself to relearn who God created me to be. Everything that I had previously depended on had failed me, but I thank God it did. Being misdiagnosed and nearly losing my life has led me to appreciate every moment. Plus, my memory has been restored and I never felt better. Our journey continues…
