Psalm 16:11
You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.
Today is a fabulous day, seven years ago I gave birth to my youngest son. It is also a day of reflection for me because my life seven years ago was nothing like this. Back then my life was falling apart right before my eyes.
My perfect man turned out to be the biggest fraud I had ever met; I was alone, a single mother of two, and a grad school drop-out, it was bad. During that season I never thought that I would be in this place. I could not see past my circumstances, but I kept moving. Even when I did not know it, God had his hand on my life.
I Got This
At 33 I thought I had it all together. I was in graduate school, I lived in a beautiful condo near the water, and I was having the time of my life. Every other weekend I would forget all my responsibilities and let my hair down. Truthfully, I was wilding out and spiraling out of control. I was drinking heavily with my friends. Patron was our drink of choice and there were many nights I did not remember all the details. I look back and I can’t do anything but thank God for keeping me because I know it was all Him.
When we first met, my inner voice told me to leave him alone, but I did not listen. I was not looking for anything serious because grad school kept me busy. I was honest upfront about what I wanted, and he said he was cool with it all. Things seemed perfect until the veil was ripped from my eyes. Eleven months of fun and good times led me to an unexpected pregnancy. My mind was blown not because I did not know where babies came from, but because the entire relationship, he said he had a vasectomy.
I was on birth control when we met but the side effects left me looking for other options. As I was researching IUD’s, he told me he had a vasectomy after having his 4th daughter. I had no reason to doubt his words because it was a common procedure. My research for birth control quickly ended and I felt I was all good.
The Switch Up
Things soon changed. After not feeling well for over a week, a friend suggested I take a pregnancy test. I thought girl please, he has a vasectomy and I am not a cheater, so I knew there was no way I could be pregnant. In order to prove her wrong, I took the test, but to my surprise my results were positive. I was speechless for a moment. I needed to process what was going on. How could this be when he has a vasectomy. I did not know how he would receive the news. So, I told him I was feeling bad and thought I should take a pregnancy test. When he did not say much, I took it and showed him the results.
He was happy and I was shocked, because if you have a vasectomy why are you happy. Once he discovered I was angry he told me the truth. He said he planned to get the vasectomy but chickened out at the last minute. In his eye’s things were perfect, we would get married, and lived happily ever after. In my eyes I wanted to destroy him. He had made a major decision about my life with his lies, now I had life growing inside of me.
This Isn’t Working
I tried to make things work with him for about two months, but deep down I despised him. I could not stand the site of his face, so I knew it was time to walk this journey alone. When I decided to let him know how I felt and that things were over. He spoke his first and only truth to me. He informed me that if I did not stay with him, he would not help with the baby. I did not care about any of that.
The next six months were some of the darkest moments I have ever experienced. Even though I wore a smile on my face and maintained a happy demeanor in front of others, I was dying inside. At work I spent a lot of time crying in the stairwell when I could no longer hold it in. I had anger and bitterness in my heart. Things had changed with my friends. We were not speaking to each other or hanging out. I never realized that God had orchestrated this entire season. God will remove your support so you will finally seek Him over others.
I Can Do This
I continued to pursue my graduate degree until he pulled the rug from under my feet. During our relationship I signed up on his health insurance plan since his employer offered better rates. When I would not take him back, he quit his job, and refused to give me the proof of insurance paperwork, so I could get insurance coverage. At six months pregnant, my doctor informed me I would have to pay for the services out of pocket before she could perform the c-section. I sunk deeper into my dark place. I even plotted ways to take him out.
I withdrew from grad school to work extra shifts and with the help of my family I was able to cover the fees. During this time there was no way I thought I would ever be happy again. I kept going through the motions with a smile on my face, as my heart ached, and my anger grew. I wanted my previous joy back, but I did not know how to get it.
Lord Help Me
I decided to focus on the positive things about being a single mom. I would be able to raise my son in the direction he should go. I could provide him with the guidance he needed without interference from his father. I would focus on showing him how much he was loved because I always felt bad for all the crying I did when I discovered him. The more truth I learned about his father from his family I knew I made the right decision.
My son was born a month early yet completely healthy. I started working on reclaiming myself. One difficult part about healing, you never realize the hurt that this person caused those you love. My family members were also hurt by the circumstances. They thought he was perfect for me and they could not grasp how it could all be a lie. Each time they would bring him up it was as though a bandage was being ripped off and I was angry all over again. I knew they did not mean any harm by expressing themselves. As I reflect on this situation today, I realize they had to heal too.
The Shift
As I kept my mind on the positive things about my situation, things changed, and I begin to feel sorry for him. I felt bad that he had to lie about who he was in order to get people to like him. The people in my life know me and love me as I am, and that was something he knew nothing about. Everywhere he went he had a different face.
Things continued to shift, and my anger died. When my family would mention him it no longer caused pain, but joy that I was no longer involved with him. I never wanted my children to grow up without their father, but I did not want them to experience a life of hearing their mother on the phone, begging their father to have a relationship with his own children as I did. I never wanted to force them into a conversation with a father they would never know. So, I lived with his decision of not being involved in our son’s life.
I write this to encourage you that no matter what you have going on, or how dark it may seem, know that God is there with you. I know God heard my cries. He put the right people around me to lift me up during that season so I could continue living. I learned that if you stop at pain you will live in pain. In order to receive healing, you must go forward.
Turn To Him
If you turn to Him before anything or anyone else, He will make your paths straight. He took me from debt to overflow. I am now blessed to be a blessing. Bills paid on time, an emergency fund established, walking in purpose, happy children, but most importantly, I finally love me! I think loving yourself is the best feeling in the world. When you love yourself, it makes it easy to love others. I have even learned how to pray for my ex each time he is mentioned instead of cursing his name. Man, growth is beautiful, life is great!
Today I shed tears of happiness, because seven years ago there was no way you could have convinced me this place existed. I learned how to walk in my power and purpose, nobody, but God has turned my entire situation around. I thank God for His grace and mercy, my journey continues….
